upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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