Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
