I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Randomize
