rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
