Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize