the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
