Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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