you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
