Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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