How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize