remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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