I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
