I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
