I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize