I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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