BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
