Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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