I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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