My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
