so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
