The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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