I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
