I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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