Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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