Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
