the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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