Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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