I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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