You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize