You can't motorboat a personality
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
