That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
