Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
