if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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