i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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