Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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