so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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