Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I will pee on everything he values.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
