I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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