i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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