I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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