I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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