watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
