Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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