I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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