He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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