Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
