I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
