What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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