: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize