1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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