I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
