I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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