I think I died a long time ago.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
