just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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