She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
