It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize