woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
