You smell like a Billy Joel song
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
