dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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