New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
