Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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