we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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